


What would make Snape faint?

by di_lamerr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/di_lamerr/pseuds/di_lamerr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just what it says, mostly fainting and moments of Snape outside of his natural habitat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This is drabble-ish, started because it skipped across my mind and I put fingers to keyboard, I ended up with several chapters,

What if Dumbledore married off Severus and Hermione without telling them? What would the resulting conversation be when a marriage law was about to be enacted and they found out!

 

"Fuck you! Fuck Dumbledore's interfering ass! Fuck Harry bloody Potter! Arthur Weasly, Kingsley, the ministry and all the horses you collective of fuckers rode in on Severus!"

"How is this my fault witch? I merely am the messenger bringing you the wonderful news of our mutual impending doom."

"It's your fault because I will have to spread my legs for you!"

Severus huffed

"Can we skip talking about sex for the time being Hermione? I'd rather insert it in an electrical socket while standing in a tub than rut with you at this moment."

Hermione smiled

"So if you died..?"

"The ministry would press you to find a new husband and if I killed myself to get away from you I believe your pickings would be quite slim, no one wants to marry a harridan that pushed her poor husband to kill himself!"

"Ha! Witches would line up and ask me how to drive their husbands to do the same!"

Severus snickered

"They probably would! Anyway this is all meaningless Hermione we are married, marriage law will be implemented, would you prefer we start looking for spouses now?"

Hermione rolled her eyes,

"Where do you expect me to find a husband in a month as I prepare to defend my thesis to the potioneers board? Weasley's home for recalcitrants, I am not marrying Ron! And pray tell where will you find a wife Mr Potioneer to the Unspeakables and Well heeled? Hmmm is there someone you have your eye on?"

Severus sneered his tone droll,

"Why yes I rather think the hag in Knockturn Alley who supplies my fairy parts and troll skin is rather attractive, it's the moles dead sexy!"

Hermione snickered tears coming to her eyes

"Oh Severus what are we going to do?"

"According to Dumbledore's portrait, this has always been a Ministry plan and that's why he married us off, me being a half-blood, you muggle born it was questionable if we would have had choices, I fear he's right I have choices for now, your only option is a pureblood husband."

A large potions book sailed across the room crashing into the wall, someone not Severus was loosing their temper.

"Great just great, fuck my mentor who's my secret husband or I can be married off to mentally inept arse of a pureblood! Yay! I can have my choice of the many sons of these houses that their intellect is rivaled only by Neville's potions skills! God they won't make me marry Neville will they?"

Severus shook his head

"No he has asked the Abbott girl."

Big fat tears began to run down Hermione's face,

"Witch cease this emotional breakdown immediately!"

Hermione smiled in-spite of the tears, wiping her nose with her hand.

"Oh sod off Severus I'm your wife, I'll be like this every month for the next 60 years!"

The next sound was a heavy thud on the wooden floor, Severus Snape one of the most feared men in wizarding Britain fainted dead away.


	2. Allowed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank my husband for this chappie, we've been having fun throwing out what would make Snape faint.

"Severus! Severus Snape you narrow ass minge, I will never sleep with you again! You could coat your dick with gold and cum diamonds, I hate you!"

Severus cringed at the projection the tiny witch managed to get the whole labour and delivery probably heard that one, he looked at the selection of Weasly men and Harry Potter all fathers themselves

"Is it like this every time?"

Bill laughed

"Hell no Professor if it's really bad you may find your bits hexed, Fluer hexed my bits, I was the size of a mouse by the time she was done with me, for 2 days I needed muggle tweezies and a spell to piss!"

Severus looked at him aghast, he had just seen Bill Weasly paw his half veela wife not 4 hours before, in fact Severus quite believed he had tried to impregnate her while dressed in the hallway of St Mungos, grinding himself on the witch as she whispered in his ears as if he hadn't seen her mere hours before. Severus refused to believe William had sex with the french witch still after she's hexed his bits? Clearly these Weaslys had way too much yardage between the gold post, he'd have to make sure his son never played quidditch the bludger hits to the head impacted mental ability clearly.

If Hermione Granger Snape hexed him he would never touch the terror of his wife again, ever!

Arthur laughed

"Molly hexed me, I shared her labour pains with Ronald and Ginny, after that I had a muggle vas-ce-to-me!'

Harry paled.

"yeah she taught Ginny that one, one more and we are done, I wanted 5-6 kids but no way am I going thru that 4 more times"

The man who lived shook himself as if awakening from a nightmare, Severus thought possibly he had misheard the pair of wizards

"Sirs you are telling me that your wives placed a spell on you which enabled you to share their pain of child birth? And you have allowed your wives into Hermione's birthing suite?"

Harry chuffed and mouthed "Allowed" at his father in law, Ron cackled, Arthur shook his head Severus and Hermione had been only married 2 months when the petite witch fell pregnant they hadn't even had 1 year together yet, he'd learn, you didn't allow your wife a thing.

Severus stood and rushed to the door of the labour room pushing it open, he was greeted to the sight of Hermione's nether regions spread wide a cap of black hair crowing, if he had still been lucid after seeing that he would have felt the 3 hexes hit him, he would have felt the pain as his daughter finished crowing earning her mom 2 small stitches, but Severus was on the floor, he'd fainted dead away.


	3. Babies

Something was up, Severus's house was filled with witches of all ages, this was most certainly not good.

Eve danced along next to him practising her pirouette, Eve their perfect child a magnificent blend of him and Hermione, Hermione's button nose and bow lips, his hair with Hermione's curls in a semblance of ringlets down Eve's back, his crow black eyes, porcelain skin and both of their phenomenal intelligence, she was not the son he'd longed for but he was very happy with the child he'd gotten, so much so he'd refused to even talk about having another child until Hermione had set herself to tears.

She longed for another child, she had been a precocious only child and while yes she had enjoyed having her parents all to herself she had felt she missed the companionship of a sibling, so he had relented, just one more so their witchling wouldn't be alone, now she was expecting yet again, and had gone off pestering him of some muggle custom where the father cut the baby's cord, was the witch mentally deranged? It had taken 6 months and a Pensieve before he could have intercourse with her again, he would not be in 100 yards of her labour room, no matter what she said!

Eve traitorous as children often are, smiled at him and ran off to her grandmother Granger, there's a sight he could do without his mother in law, Molly, Poppy and Minerva all sitting together at his dining table, in the sitting room Hermione, the Lovegood girl, the half veela Weasly, and Potter's near incestuous looking wife, how he could have sex with someone who looked so much like his mother? It was unnatural and Severus thought himself well versed at unnatural predilections.

It was time to escape back to his office, his eyes met Hermione's and he gave a slight incline of his head and headed for the floo.

The headmaster's office, his space filled with books and a hidden drawer of superb firewhiskey, and now in the summer his favorite time of year silent halls not a whisper of dunderheaded children, he sighed and sat.

The floo flared the wild hair of his wife coming thru, Poppy behind her.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Hermione smiled brightly and Poppy tittered, this was not good.

"Well Poppy decided today to see if a magical ultrasound would work..."

Severus looked at the beaming young woman who looked at Poppy and nodded, a firm swish of Poppy's wand and there projected over his desk he saw a wiggling fetus no child, Hermione would hex him if he called it a fetus, wait 2 wiggling children, thank Merlin he was sitting his knees were feeling rather weak he leaned back heavily closing his eyes, then it happened, Hermione's bright happy voice,  
"See Severus? Identical triplets! We are having three more girls!"

Triplets, three children, three girls! The Weasly twins with a spare on the steroids of Hermione's inquisitive nature with estrogen! He swooned the room went black

Hermione laughed grabbing a pinch of floo power and popped her head in the floo,

"Oi pay up! Poppy is my witness, he just passed out in his chair, never said a word! Not so fast with the smelling salts Poppy, I want a picture of this!"


	4. Harry's turn

The annual charity exhibition duel and cricket match, Potter's idea of course! Started several years after the war to improve pureblood - muggle born relations, not a bad idea really, for Potter.

Severus pulled his on his whites sleeves, he missed his robes, but after he had dispatched Potter in the duel, his eighth win! They'd tied twice and Potter had five wins of his own, his wife had deposited the whites in his arms and with a threat that broached no refusal, "If you desire to touch, taste or enrobe yourself within my quim again Severus Snape you will do this with all the grace I know you possess"

He sniffed, he'd done respectably in this limited overs game 54 for 5, Grubbly-Plank's or rather Grubbly-Plank-Tittensor's new husband Tittensor of Titten had knocked several 6's for his team, and although it may have been thought to be horribly un-sportsman like to not divulge to Potter the man's parentage being one eighth troll and therefore quite a bit stronger than a wizard he didn't truthfully feel guilty in any way, he'd won with grace, his lady wife would be assured that he was on his best behaviour and if Merlin was on his side she would do that thing with her tongue tonight and ride him to completion.

Where were his children? He spotted the middle six easily, two sets of identical triplets the witch was rather fecund, fifteen and ten years of age, three girls, three boys he often wondered how he'd created these good-looking little beast, intelligence was taken for granted, but in the merger of his and Hermione's genes they had created this slew of rather attractive little snarked mouth bastards. He was quite proud, even the boys with junior estimations of his beaked nose, and their mothers warm eyes and curly halos were handsome. The girls all had black hair, even Ceriwend who truthfully for the things that came out of that child's mouth should have looked like Luna Lovegood; if Eve his first held his heart. Ceri held his soul, with eyes as black as night she at eight with her unearthly ways of seeing spirit and magic was frankly amazing, which is why when she released her Grandmother Granger slid up to him and announced

"Father, Eve. Do you think she and Albus know they will make a new soul today?" he'd pointed his wand and spat the charm for finding his children, setting off at a mad gallop praying that his beautiful daughter would not conceive for Potter's ill named brat today.

Hermione startled, Severus was running! Her husband did not run ever! She grabbed Harry's hand and started after him.

Severus was in the hallway when he heard that sound, he'd fathered more children than Arthur Weasly he knew the cry of a witch near completion, he braced himself and blasted the door off its hinges, and was treated to the pale ass of Albus Severus Potter as he performed cunnilingus on Eve while Scorpius Malfoy buggered him.

He didn't faint although as he hexed the bullocks off the pair of them he heard that solid thud, the sound of body against wooden floor and his wife exasperated cry of "fuck!"

Harry Potter saviour of the wizarding world, head auror had fainted.  
Hermione after forcing the children to dress and go to the sitting room, sending of a patronus to the Malfoys, while stuffing a bottle of smelling salts under Potter's nose and handing him over to his wife; had given Severus a wicked grin and a snarkily commented on his removal as the Wizard's Fainting Champion as they walked together trying to figure out what to do with their triumvirate of miscreants.


	5. That time that he didn't faint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since this is just drabbles as they pop in my head I'd like to remind everyone that I do not follow any linear passage of time.
> 
> So I'm setting this somewhere in the middle of the sets of triplets, no he doesn't faint in this but I wanted to take him out of his element totally and have fun with him.
> 
> This is brought to you compliments A Little Wine by Patrice Roberts, a soca artist from Trinidad.
> 
> My thought was what would happen if Snape was in a carnival mass?

Severus Snape was on vacation alone with his wife, the children were hopefully not terrorizing his in laws, he'd threatened and cajoled his daughters with promises of a trip to Disney World if they behaved, they'd better Hermione had already booked 2 whole weeks in the house of the giant mouse for the summer.

Speaking of his wife he looked for her finding her sunning herself on the verandah of the villa, goddess like in a bathing suit that showed her curves to perfection, motherhood had been good to her leaving her with full breast and hips no longer stirring rod straight, he found himself growing hard and wondered if he could convince her to come to bed for an afternoon siesta.

"Severus?"

"Yes my love?"

Hermione smiled, my love? Oh he was feeling amorous that was good, she needed him in a good mood to convince him to do this, J'ouvert was out Severus had very strict rules governing what he considered waking hours thanks to his years as a spy but she wanted to jump mass and under the right conditions she was sure that Severus would agree.

She stood walking to him,

"Look what the ladies next door taught me yesterday, wining! "

She stood before him and turned, planting her feet shoulder width apart and placing his hands on her hips, and backing her behind into him, she started humming keeping a rhythm and moved.

Severus immediately found him self growing hard, the feel of her behind moving, grinding on him was potent most potent indeed, her movements sped up and slowed over the course of her dance at the end he was as hard as a stirring rod his eyes peeled to the movement of her arse on him, not listening to Hermione's chatting, she stopped, dammit!

"So we can go? Right Severus?"

"Of course my love."

She smiled brightly and he had a moment to wonder what he'd agreed to before she ran a finger down the zip of his pants and pulled him into the bedroom and he no longer cared.

The next morning painted and standing with a few thousand muggles well on their way to inebriation Severus cared! He cared a whole lot!

Shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsh shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsh

Flash back

It was bad enough that some type of mass had passed the villa at 4 in the morning waking him, Hermione then had dragged him out of bed to be pelted with brightly colored corn starch as they watched the sweaty brightly coloured masses; when he went back in he'd only been treated to an hour of sleep when the neighbours started blasting music, he was out of bed about to give them a piece of his mind, when Hermione had stilled him with talks of cultural sensitivity and how would be feel if someone tried to tell him no fires for Beltane, chastised he grabbed a potion and went in search of the kettle, he needed strong coffee! Next time he was planning their Easter holiday and making sure there were no local celebrations within weeks of their visit.

It was his second cup of coffee when the neighbour came over calling for Hermione, the tiny Indian woman carried 2 large bags, a third floated above her head to the left, her wand carried stuck between her ample breast he tried his best not to snarl a greeting and was retreating to his bed when she called to him

"eh eh whappen? Yuh not gwan try on yuh costume?" (What happen? You aren't going to try on your costume)

He looked at her as if she was the town simpleton.

"My what madam?"

"Yuh costume."

She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes at him as if he was an imbecile, a fragrant bag whizzed pass his head and a second was pressed into his hands

" tek dis."

She nodded towards the floating bag

"Breakfast, jumping need ah solid breakfast, aloo choka, fried bake, buljol, coconut bake, and fried plantain, de rum cyan guh down on nuting."

Severus stared at the short woman and wondered if she was mad, him in costume? He would have laughed, he should have laughed, but Hermione was standing with a bag in her hands, the same as the one in his arms and a hopeful look on her face, he turned stalking to the bedroom

"A word wife?"

Hermione looked contrite yet defiant, she went into the bedroom stripping her robe off as she turned, starting to pull costume pieces out of the bag making it clear he could stay but she was going, bugger there would be no talking when she was angry and defiant!

He remembered the Weasley patriarch's counsel "when she's defiant just go along with it, then she can't make you out to be the uncaring bastard crippling her desires."

She slipped the bottoms on, it was minuscule beads and pieces of string! Where did she think she was going wearing that? Over his dead body! He emptied the contents of his bag on the bed, long green pants, what he believed was a chest piece heavily beaded with silver, black and green beads, and a half mask, it was barely acceptable and only so because he still physically pushed himself as if still a spy his body was muscled missing the middle age spread that most of his compatriots had gained since the end of the war, he headed to the bath, his wife wasn't going to this revelry alone.

end flash back

shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshhshs hshshshshshshshshshs

Now here he was a bottle of fire rum in one hand from Annette the neighbour who said it was necessary, Hermione pressed against him buzzing with excitement, camera snapping picture after picture of the surrounding muggles, her ass bouncing against his groin to the beat of the music, he took a swing of the rum this would be a long day.

Shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsh shshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshsh

The day was almost over when it happened, he thought it would have been Hermione the locals would have grabbed to dance with but no Hermione was standing with Annette laughing brightly when 2 women had pulled him from the side lines.

"Wine fah me nuh?"

He stood stock still as they sandwiched him, the woman in front voluptuous in ways he'd only seen in books she pressed her arse to his groin, the woman behind him pressed into his back he felt her breast and her mons against him, he was uncomfortable this wasn't his wife in such a sexual position this was a stranger, he wished he could apparate, he wish he could leave, he wished his wife the tiny terror would come save him! He looked to Hermione who smiled brightly and waved.

The woman behind him spoke

"Iz only a wine, ya wife ain't going mind"

The beat started and the singer started to sing

Is just a wine  
Just a little wine  
Eh no harm in that right  
We having a good time  
everybody  
Wine on somebody now  
Take a wine  
Everybody  
Wine on somebody now  
A little wine never hurt nobody  
So take a wine  
A little wine never hurt nobody  
So take a wine  
A little wine never hurt nobody  
So take a wine  
A little wine never hurt nobody  
So take a wine

The women moved perfectly in sync, Hermione and Annette cheered from the side lines, Hermione smiled happy that he hadn't stalked away in anger, he could do this! He started to move his hips, the anonymous woman behind him cheered, revealers passing gave him smiles and thumbs up, he placed a hand on the hip pressed into him and replicated what he had seen countless men do that day allowing the beat to set the rhythm of his hips and he wined.

Hermione took a picture, the magical picture would show the moment Severus released himself to the music, hips thrusting, he smiled brightly, his eyes glittered in mischief, he threw his head back and danced.


End file.
